Q.  Why do so many of the examples in the ?Win Your Child Custody War? manual, and the ?Case Management Forms? book use the same names repeatedly?

A.  The use of Bobby, Rebecca and Randall Long, as well as Amber Jones, allows you to follow an example case making the process more transparent.

Q.  I am tired of vague answers. Will this book give me the real answers to the problems in my child custody case? My situation is unusual.

A.  Given the opportunity to explain your situation to a room full of good attorneys, you will end up with more opinions than attorneys. Much of the advice would be in direct conflict with other advice, and none of it will deal with the damage this is doing to you and your child. What you really need is to be able to see what is really going on, process the information available to you, deal with your feelings, and protect your family as you face the challenges. Seeing as many options as possible helps you choose a course of action without other people's agendas. You do need legal advice to get your case before the judge, but there is much you have to handle on your own. It takes a long time to get before a judge, and you never know what a judge may rule about the legal issues. This book allows you to see what is really happening and then adapt your response to the situation.

Q.  When my attorney reads the awful things the other side says about me in such aggravating language, does the lawyer become agitated?

A.  Sometimes, but most lawyers are able to be dispassionate about what's going on in a case. They have to remain professional to do a good job, and often see and hear inflammatory statements about their clients. The ethics rule in just about every jurisdiction requires that attorneys not take cases where their emotions might cloud their judgment. Therefore, if the client is also a family member, a close friend, or the attorney himself/ herself, it's probably a good idea to refer the client to another attorney.

Q.  The bad parent used the examples in this manual are almost always woman. Is this manual anti-women?

A.  No. The opposition in your case may be male or female. You may actually be fighting a man for your child but end up dealing with his mother, or new wife most of the time. It just happens the opposition in our case, was a woman. Many of the documents used as examples are from our case with the names changed. We think the best parent for the child is both parents and we work hard to make sure the child gets just that.

Q.  If I use all this information and do everything legally, will I gain custody of my child, guaranteed?

A.  There are no guarantees in this life. This information will help you avoid the most common mistakes people make, resulting in loss of the custody of their children.

Q.  When we were divorced I was appointed primary residential guardian of our three children. My ex-husband hasn't been able to accept this decision and has me in court once or twice a year. This exhausts my resources, and has caused him to lose jobs and move constantly. What can the court do to convince him to stop?

A.  It is doubtful that it lies within the court's powers of reason to "convince" your ex-husband to stop. If he is filing frivolous suits the court could apply sanctions against him requiring him to pay your court costs.

Q.  The other parent has custody and there is no way I can say there is any reason the court should change the decision. The problem I do have is that there are many times I could take care of the children when the other parent can't, but they go to a baby-sitter or other relative instead of me. What can I do about it?

A.  Most state guidelines clearly state that parental care is preferred over surrogate care. Therefore, unless there is a history of child abuse, the courts will enforce a non-custodial parents request to provide care for the children. Some parents? rights groups refer to this as the "Doubtfire Clause" in reference to the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire" starring Robin Williams that told the story of a man who was a less than perfect husband but a great father.

Q.  A lot of what has gone on in my past personal life is now embarrassing. Will this manual tell me how to hide that stuff?

A.  Most legal proceedings are a matter of public record. In some instances the judge may seal the case. This is usually to protect the child, not to make adult participants more comfortable. Incidents that happened before the birth, of the child or have happened out of knowledge of the child and have precipitated no legal recourse other than this trial, are usually not allowed to be presented. Your attorney can assess whether or not much of what you are concerned about will be relevant to this case. Keeping irrelevant information from the permanent records is one of the valuable services a competent attorney can perform.

Q.  I am tired of all of this. I want to give up my rights. How do I do that?

A.  You can give up your rights easily. Don't take the time to visit your children and offer your parenting skills to help improve their lives. You effectively exit the lives of your children, thereby giving up your rights. If you do give up your rights now, you may find it difficult or impossible to gain a legal right to re-enter their lives in the future. It is also important to note that even if you choose to give up your "rights" as they pertain to the children, the court will not allow you to give up your parental responsibilities for their economic and legal welfare.

A.  The only way the court will lift the legal and economic responsibility for your children from you is if another similar parent is willing and able to take on those responsibilities. Precisely, if the other parent establishes a proper legal union (marriage) and the new mate is willing to adopt your children, there is a process for you to wave your rights and responsibilities, and let the new parent step into the parenting role.

Q.  A great deal of what you cover in this manual seems to involve extreme circumstances and unstable people. We are decent, reasonable and responsible adults. I don't foresee any of that in my case. Can this manual still help?

A.  Reasonable people do unreasonable things when faced with having someone tell them when, and how they may see their children. Advice from family, friends and professionals will also affect how the other side reacts to this stressful process. The more information you have about what can happen, the more problems you can avoid and the more efficiently you will handle your case.

Q.  Does this manual tell me what I can do to get even with the other side for all the pain they have caused me?

A.  Revenge is not covered in this manual because revenge will not help you do what is best for you, or your child. The judicial system and mediators consider vengeful acts to be indications of instability; therefore, they would not see you as an acceptable guardian for your child should you choose to be vengeful. Nothing else yields such unreliable results as trying to get even.

Q.  Does everything I need to do to win child custody cost huge amounts of money?

A.  This is an expensive process. However, you can do many things to reduce the costs. Understanding what is possible, as well as having your information in order and listening to the professionals you hire will cut your expenses. Preparation is ninety percent of the fight. You can do fifty percent of the preparation.

Q.  Why have child custody battles become so ugly?

A.  In the past, custody of children was usually handled as part of a "fault" divorce, and custody awards were dictated by the issues raised as grounds for the divorce. Now, a divorce in two-thirds of the states of the U.S. requires that only one of the parties feels the union is "irretrievably broken," allowing for a "no-fault" divorce. Therefore, the process does not allow for painful issues such as adultery, fraud, alcoholism, drug addiction, insanity, mental or physical cruelty or desertion causing the break in the marriage to be aired. These issues may be pertinent regarding child only where the character of the parent becomes relevant.

Q.  I won custody of my children two years ago, but my former spouse keeps dragging me into court. Why isn't this over yet?

A.  Because you and/or your former spouse haven't come to the realization that you will have to get along better now than you ever did before. Old grievances will have to be put aside, and your new lives as not-living-together parents must start. Unless something horrific happens to you, your children will remain in your custody. As the winner, attempt to help the other parent learn to live with the situation. It won't be easy. It always takes the parent who loses custody longer to heal from the ordeal.

Q.  What if the wrong person uses this system?

A.  This data may enable the person to see there is no way to change his or her life enough to gain or retain custody of the child. Acceptance of this fact may expedite matters. On the other hand, if someone is attempting to follow the form of how to do things right while avoiding the identification of the problems they are causing they are in denial of their own personal shortcomings. This means they will not or cannot change, this manual will not accomplish masking the inadequacies the professionals will see.

Finally if a parent with a great number of shortcomings, but who is primarily concerned about the welfare of the child, has long term contact with that child, and practices the behaviors in this manual long enough to gain custody or visitation, he or she will be a better parent. Either way, your child wins.

Q.  Initially the other parent looks more socially acceptable and conservative, but any professional evaluation will indicate the other parent is unstable and that I am the right parent to raise my child. I feel the system is unjust and the only way to change it is to fight it. Why can't I fight things through my own way, instead of buckling under this stupid legal system?"

A.  The only opportunity you had to fight it through in your own way was before the courts became involved. Now, you are on the legal battlefield where the rules have been in place for hundreds of years. The rules are set up to favor the prepared and equipped. It doesn't matter if you are fighting in the snow, the forest, or the court. If you are not dressed in the right kind of camouflage you will be the first casualty. Additionally, you can't fight two battles at once. Choose the one that is the most important to you now. Many fight their own child custody battles, and then go back to change the system.

Q.  What if both sides use this manual?"

A.  If they follow the advice of this manual, they will fight a cleaner battle and cause less harm to the child they both love. They will become better parents and may be able to better deal with each other. You may find, in fact, that you are all on the same side. Your child's.

Q.  I think the other parent is systematically buying off the evaluators, my attorney and the judge. How can I stop this from happening?

A.  It would take several hundred million dollars. No one has enough money to bribe all these people.

These professionals will deal with hundreds of thousands of parents in their careers. They quickly see the normal flow and aren't going to stick their necks out for sex, money or any other inducement.

Q.  I would be interested in locating law books that pertain to the final decision, and violations of the court order so I can reverse child custody decision.

A.  It does not work that way. The Law is a growing animal. Each day decisions are rendered according to how a case is presented and how a judge rules on his or her interpretation of the law and previous cases. Each ruling has an affect on the rulings that come after it. Each person must document (that is make proven, demonstrable evidence of violations of court orders). They must be presented in the correct form, at the proper time in the jurisdiction of the case at the time. At the time of this printing, there is no compendium of case decisions, violations of those decisions, or precipitation in the reversal of custody cases in existence.

Q.  I am the residential parent. The other parent is irresponsible in all respects. She spends money on things she wants before paying for utilities or insurance. She can't keep a job and is always moving back with her parents. Her personal relationships are chaotic and short-lived. Her life is one excuse and crisis after another. When she is in love, she forgets about the children except, to show them off. She offers no financial and little emotional support. Will this manual help me remove this negative influence from my children's lives?

A.  The courts don't want to permanently remove parents from the lives of their children. She may be a less than perfect wife, daughter and mother, but she is all you, her parents and your children have. This manual will help you document the stable life you offer your children and the challenged existence she lives. This could be critical data if she decides to attempt to modify custody.

Q.  The other parent has custody of my child and won't take care of simple things like his teeth. I only get him every other weekend, and drive four hours to pick him up. By the time we get back to our town on Saturday afternoon, all the dentists are closed This is only one of the problems, but one that really bothers me. Can I get the court to see this neglect and give me custody?

A.  The court won't reverse child over lack of dental care. This book will help you find the solutions to this problem, which is to get a dental appointment in the town in which the child lives and drive the four hours back after his teeth are fixed. The court will view your inaction as harshly as the custodial parents. Fix what you can and document the rest.

Q.  My child hates going with the other parent. She suffers so, as soon as she knows the day is getting close. When it gets down to hours before a visit, she begins to shake and often becomes physically ill. How can I get the court to understand how hard this is on her and that she should not be subjected to such suffering?

A.  It is critical to make sure there are no medical, psychological or abuse issues that professionals should address.

What you see, and what the other parent and the court see, are all different perceptions. Your perception is clearly stated in your question. The other parent sees the stressed child that was waiting for the visitation exchange. Then the other parent sees the child relax, and enjoy the parenting time that is available. Often the other parent sees the same stressors exhibited by the child, in the same or to lesser degrees, as time to return to you approaches. The court sees parents subconsciously merging their own needs with those of the child. Often projecting the parent's angry feelings to the child making the child fearful of each time the parents must interact.

It is the legal responsibility of each parent to follow the intent of any access or visitation order. It is the moral responsibility of each parent to make all contact with the other parent as easy on the child as possible. Research has shown the adult children of divorce, know who was causing the problems at exchange, regardless of what they were told at the time

Q.  I have posted information on some law news groups on the Internet and sent a synopsis of my case to several attorneys? sites. Ultimately they have all said I have a good case. All of these professionals are in other states. When I take the same information to attorneys in my state, they tell me to forget it. Can I handle this case using this manual without an attorney?

A.  The out-of-state out of jurisdiction attorney might be venturing opinions on a point of law which might be true in ninety-five percent of the US, but not in the particular jurisdiction where you are involved. Licensed lawyers are subject to getting blasted for practicing law outside their jurisdiction when they give free advice on the net, correct or not. We don't advise going after your case with only this manual to help you. You do need a good attorney.

Q.  I am a pro se litigant and want to craft my documents to make sure the judge rules on my motions in the order in which I present them.

A.  There is no such ruling or statute that instructs judges to hear motions filed in the same order the motions are entered. The trial judge decides the order in which motions are heard.

Q.  We are still married but don't live together. I would like to get legal custody of our children since they live with me.

A.  Both parents in a marriage have equal custody of the children. If the parents were married when the children were born, custody is only assigned to one parent as a result of a divorce. If you decide to divorce, an attorney will help you protect your rights. Things get started when the plaintiff, (the person originating the suit) creates a legal pleading called "Complaint for Divorce", which is filed with the Clerk of Courts, along with instructions for service and payment of the filing fee. This document will include the request for child custody. The plaintiff must attend all of the hearings required by the court and prepare all the necessary papers. Usually the person asking for the divorce will have to: Appear at a hearing, Give testimony under oath, Bring a witness who will also testify, Prepare and bring all the necessary paperwork

These may include:  Complaint for divorce, Dissolution, Service of papers, Filing fee, Parenting affidavit and/or, Parent education seminar (each court has its own)

Q.  The Court has ordered that my soon to be ex-spouse and I go to Family Conciliation. Do I have to go? Is this for marriage counseling?

A.  You must attend Conciliation to complete the divorce in most states. Family Conciliation Services seldom deals with reconciliation of a marriage. This department's primary role is to evaluate the future decision making and living arrangements for the minor children in contested divorces. When the parties are able to agree about the parenting issues, only one visit may be needed. If there isn't a complete agreement, more appointments may be needed to see each parent with the children and the parents separately. In rare instances there is a spontaneous reconciliation.